When a husband and wife who are divorcing make a decision to stay living together they need to have a clear view of why they are doing it. It could be they want to first sell their house and settle all their debts.

But another reason many are doing this is for their children.

We all know how the recession has affected families in general with job losses and rising prices. So imagine a husband and wife with a couple of kids trying to navigate their way through a divorce knowing it will put them all in hardship.

They will be concerned for their children’s welfare, because if they part and live in separate houses there might not be enough money to support them. Unfortunately marriage break ups do not always come with a warning so most divorcing couples would be stressed out wondering how it will affect their kids.

There are husbands and wives who can get so caught up in their own anger and resentment they forget their children are suffering. Many times they are used in an emotional tug of war where their parents traumatize them as they tear each other apart in custody battles. When a couple stays together during a divorce for the sake of their children they know that all animosity has to be put aside.

Critics of children living with divorcing parents insist that it will delay the grieving process of a child but on the other hand as kids are very resilient they could perhaps be gently eased into the idea of mum and dad eventually parting for good. These children have probably witnessed constant bickering or cold silences while their parents’ marriage was imploding. So seeing mum and dad more relaxed and less unhappy would make most kids feel a lot more settled.

Should you tell your children the absolute truth about your new living arrangement? The answer to that is YES. If the children are very young they may not be able to understand so it probably would not be an issue but if they are older they deserve honesty. Do not be surprised if they act like it is not a big deal. Children take things on board, as they see them so if their mom and dad are getting along again they may not blink an eye. It is up to their parents to make the transition when the time comes as pain free as possible.

It is truly amazing how the love of a child can transcend all differences that exist between people.

Many happily married couples with children are on the poverty line because of the recession and it is possibly the cause of many marriages breaking up. The stress of trying to keep the family unit together in these trying times would be more pressure than some people could bear.

As women tend to get custody of their children many men find the concept of being a weekend dad daunting. There are couples living together during and after a divorce because they have both agreed they want to raise their kids together. This version has nothing to do with lack of money it is about two parents who do not want to miss out on their kids growing up. As men are more hands on dads these days they can hardly be blamed for wanting to be there for their kids 7 days a week instead of the usual two.

Children who lose one parent through divorce often acquire physical and psychological problems but it is still unknown if children living with divorcing parents bear any long term scars from the experience. This of course is based on the parents providing an emotionally healthy environment for them to grow in. Critics believe it is impossible for two ex married people living as roommates to do this but for some it is working.

A lot would have to be worked out but if the parents are able to live together in harmony who is to say it is not possible.

In the end it is down to the individual family and their circumstances to make their own choices.

Copyright (c) 2010 Linda Cole

A good relationship has three functions: it should make both partners happy; it should make them feel good about themselves and it should bring out the best in both. If one or more of these functions aren’t being fulfilled, the relationship by definition is problematic.

Many people grow up in happy, loving families where they see their parents treating each-other with care and respect. As children, they are given all the love and affirmation they need in order to grow up confident and secure. These people have little trouble forming healthy, happy romantic relationships.

Those individuals whose parents were in conflict, or were neglectful or even abusive to the children are lacking in the good foundation that the former group was able to establish. Some of these people fear closeness because being open and vulnerable could mean being hurt or rejected. Their ambivalence around intimacy leads them to choose partners who are unavailable or unable to commit.

Some people expect their romantic partner to treat them the way their parents did, and enter into their relationships defensive or even somewhat hostile toward their innocent and unknowing partner. On the other hand, many people from bad childhoods will choose a partner who is as cruel or rejecting as their parents were.

They do this for a few reasons: people go for what is familiar even if it’s hurtful, because it’s less anxiety-provoking than something new and unknown. They will also stay with a hurtful partner out of insecurity and the fear of being alone.

Another reason why people choose partners who resemble their parents is out of what Freud calls the “repetition compulsion.” This is an unconscious attempt to vicariously heal their parent-child relationship through their current one. The inner wish is that by transforming a rejecting or abusive partner into a loving, accepting one they’ll also somehow heal the emotional wounds of their childhood.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t work because for one, the chances of making someone change are slim to none. Secondly, even if this person were to change, the truth is that no relationship in the present can heal the emotional wounds created in the past. The person engaging in the repetition compulsion will remain in a bad relationship, hoping unsuccessfully that things will get better and suffering enormously in the process.

If you find yourself going in and out of frustrating, dissatisfying relationships, the solution is to see that either you’ve been continually choosing the wrong partner or that you’ve been projecting the qualities of your parents onto someone who in reality, is nothing like these people. You also need to recognize that your fear of being alone is based on a lack of self-confidence and self-love.

In order to be in a satisfying, non-conflictual relationship it’s essential to heal the emotional wounds you’ve been carrying. You’ll need to face the losses you experienced during childhood and actively grieve them until you can let go of whatever pain or anger you’ve been carrying. This will enable you to approach a partner without the unconscious expectation that they’ll hurt or reject you.

You’ll need to learn how to give yourself the love, affirmation and protection that was lacking in the past, and this will enable you to feel less afraid of rejection, and to trust that you can be comfortable on your own. Grieving your losses and developing self-love will result in your letting go of the need to choose unavailable partners or to engage in the repetition-compulsion.

By taking responsibility for dealing with your emotional issues, you’ll make it possible to enter into relationships unburdened by the fears, beliefs or expectations created by the wounds of the past. Healing yourself will free you to choose loving, caring partners who, like you, are looking for meaningful companionship and intimacy.

(C) Marcia Sirota 2010

I read an interesting article providing “research” that marriage counseling seems to increase the likelihood of divorce. As a psychologist and couples counselor, I had to look further into this, as it seems counter-intuitive/antithetical.

The study is based upon research compiled in the State of Louisiana, which allows couples the option of the “Covenant Marriage.” This is a legally defined marriage which is significantly more difficult to terminate, and includes a two year waiting period prior to divorce as well the requirement to take “reasonable steps” to preserve the relationship, which can include marriage counseling.

The study of 700 marriages over four years concluded that “All forms of marital counseling are associated with a two to threefold increase in the likelihood of divorce.”

As a Clinical Psychologist who has worked with couples since 1991 (and an MIT graduate who understands a little bit about statistics), I believe that the data and conclusions might need to be explored a little bit more. We know that statistics can be manipulated to reach just about any conclusion, and I have only read the article summarizing the data, not the actual research data itself.

However, I know that positive results in psychotherapy depend upon a number of factors, including:

1. The skill and training of the psychotherapist.

2. The intention of each member of the couple entering into treatment (believe it or not, some spouses/partners actually go into treatment to END their relationship, not to save it).

3. The “match” between psychotherapist and patients.

In addition, I believe that the “sample” of married couples entering into couples counseling is already “pre-conditioned” as these are couples that are acknowledging that they have a problem. They automatically are more likely to divorce given that they have a problem, as opposed to couples that are “happy” in their relationship.

So, of course, regardless of research, I am a firm believe in psychotherapy and couples counseling and will be curious to see how this latest report is taken by the population and the media.

The full article referencing this study may be found if you Click Here.

What are YOUR thoughts about this? What are YOUR experiences of couples counseling? Please comment on this article and please SHARE it with anyone that you believe will benefit from it.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

The other day I mentioned to a friend that my husband and I would be celebrating our 60th wedding anniversary in September. She gave me a shocked look and said, “60 Years. How could anyone spend 60 years married to the same person?”

I was a little disappointed at her reaction. I had expected something more like, “Congratulations,” or “That’s wonderful,” but instead she made it sound like the most boring waste of life she could imagine.

Well, it hasn’t been a boring 60 years. Far from it. Neither has it been unending fairy tale bliss, but I wouldn’t trade the last 60 years for anyone else’s life.

If anyone were to ask me how it’s done, the living with the same partner for all those years I mean, I guess I would have to tell them 3 things.

1. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

I know that sounds trite, but it has saved our marriage from countless arguments over the years. When I have been tempted to make a biting comment about something my husband has done or said, I ask myself, “Is it worth an argument?” and usually decide not to say whatever it was I had planned to say.

Yes, some might argue that not saying what they think isn’t healthy—that we need to express our opinions. That’s true when an opinion really needs to be expressed, and I don’t hesitate to do it if that is the case. The point I am making is that an invitation to an argument often disguises itself as our right to express an opinion. If you really feel strongly about making your point, make sure it is done in a polite, non-confronting way.

2. Listen to what each other has to say.

Have you noticed that people who have a lot of friends are usually good listeners? I know several women who complain that their husbands never listen to them. No wonder. All they do is talk.

If you want your husband to listen to what you have to say, give him plenty of time to say what he wants to say first. If something is important enough for your mate to share with you, it is important enough for you to give it your full attention.

When trouble or sorrow comes into your life, take time to share your feelings. Having a caring husband or wife can make problems easier to bear.

3. Always show respect for your spouse.

Lack of respect for one’s partner is more obvious when you are with other people, but it frequently occurs at home, too.

I remember my husband saying to a group one time that he thought I was the smartest woman he knew. Of course, that might have indicated that he didn’t know very many women, but having him say that lifted my spirits in a way I have never forgotten. My husband thought I was smart! (Maybe he was the smart one, figuring that a comment like that would earn him lots of apple pie and affection later on at home.)

The point is, that praising your husband or wife in public lets them, and everyone else, know that you respect them, and that, to me, is worth its weight in gold.

At home, showing respect by showing gratitude for favors, not interrupting to get your own point across, and letting your spouse know you appreciate them are great ways to remind your spouse just how special they are to you.

Anyway, those are just a few of the ways I have managed to survive 60 years of being married to the same man and I can honestly say I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Are you unhappy with your relationship? Is your romantic life on a verge of a break off! What most of us are going to answer is YES! In today’s world it is really difficult to keep a happy long lasting relationship. Marriage or dating whatever you are into, you find it difficult to keep the relation happy and long lasting. The life today is over stressed both men and women career oriented, they give 100% to their work. But it is not only the job where you have to give your 100% a relationship too needs that cent percent.

Every relationship undergoes its own phases of good and bad times. No relationship is perfect No relationship stays without a laugh, a hug, an argument, a misunderstanding, a cry. Initially all the relationship move smoothly but with the passage of time many relationships lose the charm and romance of their relationship. There is argument, conflict and bitterness resulting in separation.

During good times you take things for granted and forget to make efforts to keep the relationship intact. A relationship demands hard work. You have to work towards your relationship to make it happy and long lasting. Little steps taken in daily life make your relationship sweeter. When bad times are in there is all bitterness in your relation. The more you try to get stability in your relation the more it seems to deteriorate. You land up messing your relationship. You never know how things went wrong. All of a sudden there is a sense of coldness between you and your partner. At times we take a relationship for granted and ignore what our partner wants from us. And then there are times when we want to keep up a relationship but are unable to do so. Both the partners should know what they need from each other as well as what they expect from each other.

When you know what you want and expect from each other you have a way out to keep a healthy relationship. Remember a time when your relation went sour as you were not able to understand him/her or when in spite of loving your partner you landed in a break off. In a relationship there are times when you are really hurt, abused and angry and are on the verge of a separation, it is then you look for someone to give you advice. There are a number of ways to keep your relationship happy and long lasting such as understanding each others need, communicating openly what is within, showing honesty and loyalty. What you really require is an unbiased advice. Here we have 101 ways for you to keep your relationship happy and long lasting.

Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and 365 days a year is a long time to spend with someone - til death do us part you committed (thus at times making the death angle tempting…).

Even if you madly love your better half, there are times you both will need a break from one another. Couples who allow each other some time to themselves actually help make their marriage better. So some will have to fight the insecurity urge to go this route.

Honey, Are You Home?

After a long day at work, most people need at least a little time to unwind. It can be an hour or just five minutes, time to read the paper or time to sift through the mail - but those stolen moments can help let go of the workday emotionally. Spouses who routinely have this break are better prepared to face the adventures of home life.

This can be hard, especially if one spouse has a job outside the home and the other stays home with children. Usually by the time the employed spouse crosses the threshold, his/her partner is desperate for a break. (Be honest. It is easy to forget that even though the spouse at home may not be earning income, this person has no doubt been far busier than imaginable.)

Spouses who are able to work out a compromise can have each person’s needs met. For example, permit one spouse to have a reasonable amount of time alone at the work day’s end. Then make sure that the other gets the same opportunity. Alternate who goes first each day or week if that helps. Time commitments may not allot for a large chunk of time each day, but every little bit helps.

Argh! Go Away

No matter how much you love your spouse, when you are angry it can be hard to be in the same room with them. Ok, you get that. But conflicts have a better chance of reaching a happy resolution if both parties can/will discuss the problem calmly. Giving your beloved space during or after an argument can help you both calm down.

Of course, it is important to address the real issue at some point - ignoring it allows the problem to fester and grow rather than go away. Try to find a time that works best for both of you to talk and gently hammer through the issues.

You Go Ahead

It is a rare couple that enjoys all the same activities. Typically, there will be activities that one spouse enjoys while the other has his/her sights elsewhere. As long as finances and time allow, sometimes it is simply best to allow your spouse to go off alone. That creates an environment where your mate can enjoy a little time to the fullest and let you have the same.

Most couples enjoy spending time together. Even the closest spouses, however, need some time apart. Couples who are willing to give each other the “gift” of space can actually make the marriage more vibrant.