Overcoming infidelity in marriage is difficult and the pain is unbearable at times. It’s hard not to cry and just wonder why did this have to happen to us? If you are like most folks I know you are probably thinking about the things you could have done differently to prevent infidelity in your marriage.

I believe the first thought that comes to mind when the affair is uncovered is “I’m going to strangle him or her”. Then common sense takes over and the next thought is “I’ll divorce him or her”.

I can’t sugar coat this marital issue because there is no getting around the hurt, anger, disappointment and desire to make your cheating spouse pay. The problem is that although your heart has been broken and your wedding covenant trampled upon, divorce is the last thing you should be thinking about.

So what’s there to do besides kicking your spouse out and preparing for divorce? Quite a few things and below I’ve listed some of them.

Overcoming Infidelity in Marriage

Take Control Of Your Marriage - You have been knocked off your feet by your spouses selfish actions. It was wrong and regardless of the problems in your marriage, infidelity was not the right choice to make. You have the right to be sad and in mourning because you have lost something very near and dear to you, your marriage. It’s not dead but it’s in a crisis state.

But now the ball is in your court. Your spouse and family need you now more than ever before. It’s you who will most likely decide if your marriage continues. So you will need to control the next steps and I’ve outline some things others have found helpful in getting beyond the affair.

• Make sure your spouse understands that the affair must be ended immediately.

• No future contact can occur with the other person.

• Figuring out what details you want to know about the affair.

• Determining who else you want to know about the affair. Who should your spouse confess the affair to (parents, siblings, children).

• Setting some ground rules for the relationship to move forward.

• Figuring out how your cheating spouse can begin to earn your trust back.

• Create a marriage environment that prevents another affair from happening.

Allow Healing After Infidelity in Marriage - It’s important to learn how to deal with your anger and pain in ways that will help your marriage and also your physical and mental health.

First off, don’t let the thoughts about the infidelity that’s wrecked your marriage consume you. Don’t punish yourself by thinking about it all day and night. Get those pictures out of your mind of your spouse and the other person sleeping together. Limit the time each day you spend on wrestling with your emotions and thoughts.

Next, make sure you are clear in sharing your feelings with your spouse and ensure that he or she knows exactly what you need and expect if your marriage is to continue.

Clearly, overcoming infidelity in marriage is difficult but it’s not impossible. Divorce is only inevitable if you allow it to be.

Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. People marry because they thought they found the person to share their lives with. Married couples strive every single day to make their marriage work and to keep their families together. But what happens when it started becoming a disaster? When married couples decide to file for divorce, it’s definitely heart-wrenching for both parties. Nobody wanted the marriage to fail. If someone does, they would not have married each other in the first place. But after the divorce, one question remains. Should you start dating after divorce?

Most women are really in search for the guy of their dreams. That man who they would be spending the rest of their lives with. That man who would be the father of their children. That man who would raise a family with them. And when they find love, they want to be bonded by marriage. But not all married couples end up together as they grow old. Marriage may or may not work out. When it doesn’t, don’t have the wrong idea that you are forever stuck.

After divorce, take your time to heal. It is not advisable to date right away after the breakup of your marriage. It will only lead to more emotional turmoil. There are a lot of issues that you have to focus on before dating.

After the divorce, you may have issues on yourself that you have to resolve. Because of the failed marriage, your self esteem may have been damaged. Focus first on building it again. Do the things that you enjoy before you married your ex-husband. Start loving singlehood again before wanting to commit in another relationship.

Get in touch with your inner self. You gave so much on your marriage that some things that you love about yourself was gone. Develop a healthy “self-love” because that’s the only way other people will appreciate and love you.

Listen to your heart. Don’t force yourself to date if you know deep down that you are not ready. You will not enjoy dating if you do it for the wrong reasons. Gauge yourself as to why you want to date again. Is it because you are scared to be alone? Is it because you want to fill the hole that your ex-husband left in your heart? Does your family and friends pressure you to go out and find the right guy? Or is it because you just want to enjoy meeting other people?

When you finally find yourself being ready to date again, consider other factors. If you have children, you certainly have to prepare them for this. It’s not like you will be entering a serious relationship again. But seeing you going out with a new guy will have an effect on them. Dealing with the idea that their parents separated is hard enough. For them to accept that you will see other guys will take time.

Dating after your divorce is not the same when you were still single before the marriage. Be clear on the purpose of why you want to date again. Just be sure that you are doing it not for other people but because you want to.

When a husband and wife who are divorcing make a decision to stay living together they need to have a clear view of why they are doing it. It could be they want to first sell their house and settle all their debts.

But another reason many are doing this is for their children.

We all know how the recession has affected families in general with job losses and rising prices. So imagine a husband and wife with a couple of kids trying to navigate their way through a divorce knowing it will put them all in hardship.

They will be concerned for their children’s welfare, because if they part and live in separate houses there might not be enough money to support them. Unfortunately marriage break ups do not always come with a warning so most divorcing couples would be stressed out wondering how it will affect their kids.

There are husbands and wives who can get so caught up in their own anger and resentment they forget their children are suffering. Many times they are used in an emotional tug of war where their parents traumatize them as they tear each other apart in custody battles. When a couple stays together during a divorce for the sake of their children they know that all animosity has to be put aside.

Critics of children living with divorcing parents insist that it will delay the grieving process of a child but on the other hand as kids are very resilient they could perhaps be gently eased into the idea of mum and dad eventually parting for good. These children have probably witnessed constant bickering or cold silences while their parents’ marriage was imploding. So seeing mum and dad more relaxed and less unhappy would make most kids feel a lot more settled.

Should you tell your children the absolute truth about your new living arrangement? The answer to that is YES. If the children are very young they may not be able to understand so it probably would not be an issue but if they are older they deserve honesty. Do not be surprised if they act like it is not a big deal. Children take things on board, as they see them so if their mom and dad are getting along again they may not blink an eye. It is up to their parents to make the transition when the time comes as pain free as possible.

It is truly amazing how the love of a child can transcend all differences that exist between people.

Many happily married couples with children are on the poverty line because of the recession and it is possibly the cause of many marriages breaking up. The stress of trying to keep the family unit together in these trying times would be more pressure than some people could bear.

As women tend to get custody of their children many men find the concept of being a weekend dad daunting. There are couples living together during and after a divorce because they have both agreed they want to raise their kids together. This version has nothing to do with lack of money it is about two parents who do not want to miss out on their kids growing up. As men are more hands on dads these days they can hardly be blamed for wanting to be there for their kids 7 days a week instead of the usual two.

Children who lose one parent through divorce often acquire physical and psychological problems but it is still unknown if children living with divorcing parents bear any long term scars from the experience. This of course is based on the parents providing an emotionally healthy environment for them to grow in. Critics believe it is impossible for two ex married people living as roommates to do this but for some it is working.

A lot would have to be worked out but if the parents are able to live together in harmony who is to say it is not possible.

In the end it is down to the individual family and their circumstances to make their own choices.

Copyright (c) 2010 Linda Cole

Like so many divorcing couples throughout the world you have made a decision to stay together until what you both think is a suitable time to divorce and part for good. This can be because you want to sell your house, settle your combined debts or just live together so you can both raise your children.

In order to create a harmonious environment to co-exist in you will need to set some boundaries. Imagine an invisible line drawn around you which determines what you let in or out. The line is your boundary and if you’re ex husband or wife walks over it carelessly you will need to tell them it is not acceptable.

A situation where having clear boundaries in place could be your sleeping arrangements. If you have separate bedrooms and one partner thinks it is okay to come into your room when they feel like it you will have to firmly let them know they have crossed your boundary line. Make it clear you do not want to have to put a lock on your door but if your ex does not stop stepping over your boundaries you will be forced too.

Mutual respect is the name of the game here and never will it be as important as two ex married people living in the same house. You will have to define your boundaries at the beginning of your new living arrangement so there is confusion or unnecessary conflict.

Going from husband and wife to roommates is a huge adjustment so I have no doubt that at times you will challenge each other’s boundaries.

If the word BOUNDARY was not been recognized in your marriage then the both of you could be in trouble as the lack of any boundary setting could be the reason you broke up. In some homes there is a more dominant partner who calls the shots while the more submissive partner does as they are told. If this was the status quo of your marriage then staying together will not work.

When verbalizing your feelings on a subject such as the sleeping arrangements talk gently but be assertive. Getting angry and saying things that are hurtful will only make the situation worse. Good communication is based on listening to what a person has to say and then them allowing you to do the same. It is not about name-calling and control tactics.

Another area you will need definition is in the continued raising of your children. If there is any debate you should take it away from the children who have possibly seen enough upset at the end of your marriage. You cannot get into heated arguments in front of your kids otherwise they will be better off living with one parent. The reasons you have chosen to stay together may be based on financial survival but please do not forget that your children will become victims if their parents chose to carry on a war in front of them. It is also abusive if you allow it to continue.

Remember you are getting a divorce eventually so try to relax.

No one said living together during a divorce would be easy but a level of maturity is needed to make it work. Each ex partner has to rise above any petty issues and respect each other’s boundaries.

This could be a lesson for you both as you learn how to appreciate each other’s right to their own way of thinking and doing things. Boundary setting in any kind of relationship is essential for a healthy and happy atmosphere. You need to understand that we all have our own unique ways of how we look at the world and our place in it.

In any relationship there has to be give and take but there also has to be forgiveness.

Copyright (c) 2010 Linda Cole

Many couples stay unhappy for long periods of time building resentments towards each other and in no time at all end up separating and eventually divorcing. The divorce process is hurtful and expensive experience especially if there are kids involved. There are many causes of unhappiness in marriages that can be solved easily. Instead of bottling up them, couples should save their marriage by talking to each other and getting further help. This is where the marriage counselors will assist your situation. Seeking assistance and advice from marriage counselors has its perks and some of them include the following:

Enhance Communication Skills

They say communication is the lifeline of any relationship. Although some spouses try to communicate with each other, there comes a time when there are on different pages. Seeing a marriage counselor will help in improving the communication skills in manner that is efficient and comprehensible. Spouses are also able to resolve their conflicts in a healthy manner and live peacefully with each other.

Enhances Assertiveness

Some spouses are afraid of each other and are unable to address their needs. This problem is exhibited by the female spouses who are afraid of their opposite sex. They fear that they might get hurt if they address their issues. This problem can be solved through marriage counseling. Spouses are able to learn the necessary ways of addressing their issues and boost their relationship as a result. They are also able to learn how to be assertive without being offensive.

Resolving Unresolved Issues

Those who have problems in resolving their problems, irrespective of the magnitude, are often advised to seek marriage counseling. This is because marriage counseling acts as a safe place where couples can express their unhappy nature to each other. In most cases, getting your feelings out in the open and clearing the air of any issue might just do the trick for couples. This process is fully achieved through the assistance of marriage counselors.

Strengthens Marriage Relationships and Family Bonds

Through marriage counseling, spouses are able to gain a deeper understanding of each other. They are able to learn their needs and issues. As a result their relationship is strengthened and maintained. The family bond is also tightened. This is because the spouses are able to work together and provide for their families.

There are some marriage counselors who are able to save any failing marriages because it is important to make sure that you are satisfied, happy and content with your marriage.

I read an interesting article providing “research” that marriage counseling seems to increase the likelihood of divorce. As a psychologist and couples counselor, I had to look further into this, as it seems counter-intuitive/antithetical.

The study is based upon research compiled in the State of Louisiana, which allows couples the option of the “Covenant Marriage.” This is a legally defined marriage which is significantly more difficult to terminate, and includes a two year waiting period prior to divorce as well the requirement to take “reasonable steps” to preserve the relationship, which can include marriage counseling.

The study of 700 marriages over four years concluded that “All forms of marital counseling are associated with a two to threefold increase in the likelihood of divorce.”

As a Clinical Psychologist who has worked with couples since 1991 (and an MIT graduate who understands a little bit about statistics), I believe that the data and conclusions might need to be explored a little bit more. We know that statistics can be manipulated to reach just about any conclusion, and I have only read the article summarizing the data, not the actual research data itself.

However, I know that positive results in psychotherapy depend upon a number of factors, including:

1. The skill and training of the psychotherapist.

2. The intention of each member of the couple entering into treatment (believe it or not, some spouses/partners actually go into treatment to END their relationship, not to save it).

3. The “match” between psychotherapist and patients.

In addition, I believe that the “sample” of married couples entering into couples counseling is already “pre-conditioned” as these are couples that are acknowledging that they have a problem. They automatically are more likely to divorce given that they have a problem, as opposed to couples that are “happy” in their relationship.

So, of course, regardless of research, I am a firm believe in psychotherapy and couples counseling and will be curious to see how this latest report is taken by the population and the media.

The full article referencing this study may be found if you Click Here.

What are YOUR thoughts about this? What are YOUR experiences of couples counseling? Please comment on this article and please SHARE it with anyone that you believe will benefit from it.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

The decision to end a marriage is never an easy one. Emotions run high, there are financial considerations, and that doesn’t even begin to address the added complications if kids are involved. Once the decision to file for divorce has been made, the need for a highly qualified family law attorney cannot be overstated. Each state has its own laws in regard to divorce, so if you are filing in Chester County, Pennsylvania, it is of vital importance that you hire an attorney who specializes in Chester County family law.

Children and Divorce under Chester County Laws

Before taking that step of contacting a Chester County divorce lawyer, however, there are some important things to consider. First and foremost, if there are children involved, how will this impact them? In cases where a marriage is irretrievably broken, simply having children is not a valid reason to avoid divorce, but both parties must be aware of how a divorce is likely to affect them. Children can be surprisingly perceptive and many times can sense that something is wrong, even when their parents take great pains to hide it. Though divorce is never easy on the children, the decision to finally admit that there is a problem that the parents cannot fix on their own may dissipate some of the tension the children may be experiencing. Someone experienced in Chester County family law can explain additional issues such as child custody and monetary support.

Couple Counseling Before Divorce

Marriage counseling should always be seen as an option before deciding to terminate a marriage. A good marriage counselor can help a couple thrash out issues that they may have previously thought to be insoluble. While the chief responsibility of a marriage counselor is to try to find a way to save the marriage, the end result of counseling may be the realization that divorce is indeed inevitable. In that case, having attempted counseling before deciding to go through with the divorce may decrease the amount of guilt you may experience going forward. A Chester County divorce lawyer may, in fact suggest that you investigate counseling before deciding for sure to terminate the marriage.

Dividing the Marital Assets

The financial consequences of divorce are often times profound, and the more assets a couple has amassed, the more difficult untangling and separating those assets can be. A Chester County divorce lawyer can help you to understand Pennsylvania law regarding marital property before you commit to going through with a divorce. Unlike California and some other states, Pennsylvania is not a community property state, meaning that the rules governing division of property a somewhat complex, meaning that hiring an attorney who specializes in Chester County family law is extremely important. In addition to separation of assets, the issue of separation of marital debt must also be decided. This debt includes a home mortgage, debts owed to banks or lending institutions, and unpaid bills as well as school, car, and home improvement loans.

It is important to remember that Chester County family law attorneys can help you even if you have not made the final decision to file for divorce. They can discuss these life altering decisions with you, and help you decide what the right course of action is for you and your family.