When a husband and wife who are divorcing make a decision to stay living together they need to have a clear view of why they are doing it. It could be they want to first sell their house and settle all their debts.

But another reason many are doing this is for their children.

We all know how the recession has affected families in general with job losses and rising prices. So imagine a husband and wife with a couple of kids trying to navigate their way through a divorce knowing it will put them all in hardship.

They will be concerned for their children’s welfare, because if they part and live in separate houses there might not be enough money to support them. Unfortunately marriage break ups do not always come with a warning so most divorcing couples would be stressed out wondering how it will affect their kids.

There are husbands and wives who can get so caught up in their own anger and resentment they forget their children are suffering. Many times they are used in an emotional tug of war where their parents traumatize them as they tear each other apart in custody battles. When a couple stays together during a divorce for the sake of their children they know that all animosity has to be put aside.

Critics of children living with divorcing parents insist that it will delay the grieving process of a child but on the other hand as kids are very resilient they could perhaps be gently eased into the idea of mum and dad eventually parting for good. These children have probably witnessed constant bickering or cold silences while their parents’ marriage was imploding. So seeing mum and dad more relaxed and less unhappy would make most kids feel a lot more settled.

Should you tell your children the absolute truth about your new living arrangement? The answer to that is YES. If the children are very young they may not be able to understand so it probably would not be an issue but if they are older they deserve honesty. Do not be surprised if they act like it is not a big deal. Children take things on board, as they see them so if their mom and dad are getting along again they may not blink an eye. It is up to their parents to make the transition when the time comes as pain free as possible.

It is truly amazing how the love of a child can transcend all differences that exist between people.

Many happily married couples with children are on the poverty line because of the recession and it is possibly the cause of many marriages breaking up. The stress of trying to keep the family unit together in these trying times would be more pressure than some people could bear.

As women tend to get custody of their children many men find the concept of being a weekend dad daunting. There are couples living together during and after a divorce because they have both agreed they want to raise their kids together. This version has nothing to do with lack of money it is about two parents who do not want to miss out on their kids growing up. As men are more hands on dads these days they can hardly be blamed for wanting to be there for their kids 7 days a week instead of the usual two.

Children who lose one parent through divorce often acquire physical and psychological problems but it is still unknown if children living with divorcing parents bear any long term scars from the experience. This of course is based on the parents providing an emotionally healthy environment for them to grow in. Critics believe it is impossible for two ex married people living as roommates to do this but for some it is working.

A lot would have to be worked out but if the parents are able to live together in harmony who is to say it is not possible.

In the end it is down to the individual family and their circumstances to make their own choices.

Copyright (c) 2010 Linda Cole

Like so many divorcing couples throughout the world you have made a decision to stay together until what you both think is a suitable time to divorce and part for good. This can be because you want to sell your house, settle your combined debts or just live together so you can both raise your children.

In order to create a harmonious environment to co-exist in you will need to set some boundaries. Imagine an invisible line drawn around you which determines what you let in or out. The line is your boundary and if you’re ex husband or wife walks over it carelessly you will need to tell them it is not acceptable.

A situation where having clear boundaries in place could be your sleeping arrangements. If you have separate bedrooms and one partner thinks it is okay to come into your room when they feel like it you will have to firmly let them know they have crossed your boundary line. Make it clear you do not want to have to put a lock on your door but if your ex does not stop stepping over your boundaries you will be forced too.

Mutual respect is the name of the game here and never will it be as important as two ex married people living in the same house. You will have to define your boundaries at the beginning of your new living arrangement so there is confusion or unnecessary conflict.

Going from husband and wife to roommates is a huge adjustment so I have no doubt that at times you will challenge each other’s boundaries.

If the word BOUNDARY was not been recognized in your marriage then the both of you could be in trouble as the lack of any boundary setting could be the reason you broke up. In some homes there is a more dominant partner who calls the shots while the more submissive partner does as they are told. If this was the status quo of your marriage then staying together will not work.

When verbalizing your feelings on a subject such as the sleeping arrangements talk gently but be assertive. Getting angry and saying things that are hurtful will only make the situation worse. Good communication is based on listening to what a person has to say and then them allowing you to do the same. It is not about name-calling and control tactics.

Another area you will need definition is in the continued raising of your children. If there is any debate you should take it away from the children who have possibly seen enough upset at the end of your marriage. You cannot get into heated arguments in front of your kids otherwise they will be better off living with one parent. The reasons you have chosen to stay together may be based on financial survival but please do not forget that your children will become victims if their parents chose to carry on a war in front of them. It is also abusive if you allow it to continue.

Remember you are getting a divorce eventually so try to relax.

No one said living together during a divorce would be easy but a level of maturity is needed to make it work. Each ex partner has to rise above any petty issues and respect each other’s boundaries.

This could be a lesson for you both as you learn how to appreciate each other’s right to their own way of thinking and doing things. Boundary setting in any kind of relationship is essential for a healthy and happy atmosphere. You need to understand that we all have our own unique ways of how we look at the world and our place in it.

In any relationship there has to be give and take but there also has to be forgiveness.

Copyright (c) 2010 Linda Cole

What is Guided Meditation

Guided meditation is a way of practicing meditation with the assistance of another person. This can be done in person with a group of people where one person facilitates the meditation or one can use a recorded guided meditation. This is a nice way to relax the body, mind and spirit, and is often used by beginners. Use the following guided meditation for clearing out bad relationships. You may want to have someone read it to you, or you can read it ahead of time and then go through the guided meditation on your own.

Guided Meditation Process

Let us begin this guided meditation. Take a few moments to settle into your body by using your breath. Use your breath continuously throughout the guided meditation to help you relax while releasing any attachments that may have been throwing you off center. Now, see yourself as a bright sun without any connections to your family, friends, teachers, or anyone in your life. Clear the energy field around you by focusing on your solar plexus and releasing attachments to people in your life who drain your energy.

Visualize the people in your life and one by one, ask yourself, “Does this person support my highest good?” Listen to your body and without judgment have the courage to hear the truth. If your answer is yes, then you will want to continue spending time with this person. If the answer is no, then take some time apart, at least during this guided meditation. Maybe this person will leave your life and maybe not, but changing your perception, will change the nature of your relationship. Use this guided meditation to let go of old scripts; releasing these attachments will clear the path to a more fulfilled life.

Now, one by one, release any negative cords you may have with another during this guided meditation. Ask that these cords of energy be dissolved and call back any pieces of yourself that you have given to another. Maybe you let someone have power over you, or you did something for another and short changed yourself. If this feels difficult for you, ask for assistance from your guides or angels to help you release these cords. Send these energetic cords off with love, by visualizing them going away from you, one by time.

When you are complete, clear yourself by using the golden rays of the sun to enter your body from the crown, moving into your solar plexus, and all the way down your body, clearing out your entire auric field. As you close this guided meditation, take a few moments of silence and listen to your breath. Breathe for a few moments reflecting back on your experience. Be with yourself and feel the lightness of your being, without other people around you. Give thanks for your willingness to clear yourself throughout this guided meditation. Visualize the warmth of the sun coming into your body and allow it to nurture you, as you feel it penetrate your body. When you feel complete, go about your day, and remember to keep yourself clear of other people’s agendas. You do not have to take on their issues; focus on what you want to create for your day.

You may want to use this guided meditation several times until you are able to clear the people out of your life, who have attached to you energetically. It is a process that works best over time, so that you can continue to release the people with whom there is not a mutual exchange. Some of them may have very strong energy cords. If so, find the inner strength to release them by using this guided meditation. If possible, identify the pattern of these energetic attachments (caretaker, martyr, controller, etc.) so that you recognize them and do not have to repeat them. Whenever you use this guided meditation, remember to send each of these relationships off with love; as you do not want to have any repercussions come back at you. Compassion with detachment is a great way to live. May all your relationships be blessed.

A good relationship has three functions: it should make both partners happy; it should make them feel good about themselves and it should bring out the best in both. If one or more of these functions aren’t being fulfilled, the relationship by definition is problematic.

Many people grow up in happy, loving families where they see their parents treating each-other with care and respect. As children, they are given all the love and affirmation they need in order to grow up confident and secure. These people have little trouble forming healthy, happy romantic relationships.

Those individuals whose parents were in conflict, or were neglectful or even abusive to the children are lacking in the good foundation that the former group was able to establish. Some of these people fear closeness because being open and vulnerable could mean being hurt or rejected. Their ambivalence around intimacy leads them to choose partners who are unavailable or unable to commit.

Some people expect their romantic partner to treat them the way their parents did, and enter into their relationships defensive or even somewhat hostile toward their innocent and unknowing partner. On the other hand, many people from bad childhoods will choose a partner who is as cruel or rejecting as their parents were.

They do this for a few reasons: people go for what is familiar even if it’s hurtful, because it’s less anxiety-provoking than something new and unknown. They will also stay with a hurtful partner out of insecurity and the fear of being alone.

Another reason why people choose partners who resemble their parents is out of what Freud calls the “repetition compulsion.” This is an unconscious attempt to vicariously heal their parent-child relationship through their current one. The inner wish is that by transforming a rejecting or abusive partner into a loving, accepting one they’ll also somehow heal the emotional wounds of their childhood.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t work because for one, the chances of making someone change are slim to none. Secondly, even if this person were to change, the truth is that no relationship in the present can heal the emotional wounds created in the past. The person engaging in the repetition compulsion will remain in a bad relationship, hoping unsuccessfully that things will get better and suffering enormously in the process.

If you find yourself going in and out of frustrating, dissatisfying relationships, the solution is to see that either you’ve been continually choosing the wrong partner or that you’ve been projecting the qualities of your parents onto someone who in reality, is nothing like these people. You also need to recognize that your fear of being alone is based on a lack of self-confidence and self-love.

In order to be in a satisfying, non-conflictual relationship it’s essential to heal the emotional wounds you’ve been carrying. You’ll need to face the losses you experienced during childhood and actively grieve them until you can let go of whatever pain or anger you’ve been carrying. This will enable you to approach a partner without the unconscious expectation that they’ll hurt or reject you.

You’ll need to learn how to give yourself the love, affirmation and protection that was lacking in the past, and this will enable you to feel less afraid of rejection, and to trust that you can be comfortable on your own. Grieving your losses and developing self-love will result in your letting go of the need to choose unavailable partners or to engage in the repetition-compulsion.

By taking responsibility for dealing with your emotional issues, you’ll make it possible to enter into relationships unburdened by the fears, beliefs or expectations created by the wounds of the past. Healing yourself will free you to choose loving, caring partners who, like you, are looking for meaningful companionship and intimacy.

(C) Marcia Sirota 2010

Frictions in married life are very common. Sometimes it causes depression. This is a sign that there is something wrong in your relationship and your relationship is going bad. The worst part of this depression is that both the partners are totally aware of the situation but cannot find the way out.

Married life brings ups and downs in relationship along with the joy and happiness associated with it. Sometimes the friction between the partners go to such extend that one of them or both go into depression. However, depression takes toll on women’s health, both physical and mental more than men.

There are some signs which can very well tell the reason behind depression is bad relationship. Till the time one is leading happy and content married life, all is well. However, when the married life becomes full of stress and both the partners feel its pressure, depression starts showing its signs. Health related problems in women like infertility, pregnancy or menopause add up to the depression in women’s lives if they do not get psychological support from their partners.

Here are 5 signs your depression may be related to bad relationship:

• Lack of or lost desire for sexual activities: Intimacy is one of the important parts of the married life. However if you feel you have lost your yearning to come together is may be because you are going through depression episode due to bad relationship.

• Insomnia: Increased stress and tension leads to lack of sleep. Negative thoughts lead people into sleeplessness and depression.

• Decrease in tolerance level: If you cannot tolerate slightest noise or get perturbed due to any kind of sound, it is a sign that your depression may be related to bad relationship. Sometimes if you cannot tolerate the laughter of your kids and get annoyed quickly, then it may be an indication that you are reacting this way due to bad relationship.

• If you and your partner are having episodes of difference of opinions which often results in one of the partners leaving that room or house for some time and another spending hours in isolation. The one, who spends hours alone, is in the high proximity of falling pray to depression due to bad relationship.

• If you are feeling lonely, helpless and disheartened all the time and are having suicidal thoughts just because your partner is not paying enough attention to your needs, it is an indication that you are depressed because of bad relationship.

These are a few signs that indicate that your depression is related to sore or bad relationship with your spouse. Try to speak to your partner without blaming him/her. Try to give as much time to your spouse as possible. If you have a good friend whom you can trust, tell him/her about your state of mind. However, if you are having suicidal thoughts, then getting professional help as early as possible will help you avoid further unhappy moments.

Don’t let depression ruin your married life.